The Wine Fairy

Just another day of typing while the world burns. It’s all too scary out there–so let’s just complain about some drinks, shall we?

Recently, The Wine Fairy posted about wine words we think are dumb and wine trends we don’t really understand. But why only pick on wine? Here’s how cocktail bars are getting on our nerves in 2025:

1. Calling the drinks “elixirs”

It was 2021. “Elixirs” (and its even stupider cousin: “Cures”) suddenly appeared in small caps at the top of every cocktail menu that includes at least one gin drink.

Maybe it was cute at first. Maybe it seemed quirky and literate. But soon enough, “Elixirs”–along with “Handhelds” (for sandwiches) and “Shareables” (for appetizers) were everywhere.

While I’m at it, there’s “Zero Proof.” (Sigh.) I’m well aware I won’t win the battle against “Zero Proof” because it’s 2025 and everyone’s obsessed with non-alcoholic spirits–but that lingo is already played out, too. Congrats: Your menu shows zero proof that you have a single original idea at your restaurant.

All these precious little phrases are to the printed menu what “Welcome In” is to the retail and hospitality space: Mind viruses. Nobody really knows who started saying them, but the whole industry glommed on and now there’s nothing to do but wait for the vernacular to naturally cleanse itself.

So: Unless you have actually invented a time machine to transport me back to the days of drugstore tonics and patent medicine, don’t offer me an “elixir.” And if you do have the time machine, I wouldn’t drink the cocktail anyway because it’s probably freakin’ poison.

2. Smoked cocktails

I really enjoy a smoked Old Fashioned, mmmkay? Whiskey bars are allowed to keep one on the menu forever, as far as I’m concerned. But when even burger joints are doing it, it’s no longer hip, daddy-o.

There are practical concerns with smoked drinks, too. The cumbersome bell jar or lantern-shaped thingy takes up a lot of bar space and creates service bottlenecks. (Most bars only have one or two of these contraptions.) If a whole table orders the smoked drink, it takes forever to serve them and the smoggy cloud is enough to give someone an asthma attack.

Finally, if you must smoke the whiskey drinks, pick a sturdy, spicy rye that isn’t from the very top shelf. All that hardwood overwhelms the subtle vanilla and grain flavors of many fine bourbons.

3. The secret entrance

I don’t want to hover around unmarked doors, or knock three times, or dial a secret code on a hidden phone. Just let me in the bar so I can buy a drink.

How’s this for speaking easy: Prohibition was over in 1933. Prohibition-style bars were over circa 2019. The cocktail business is in free-fall…maybe it’s not a good idea to make your remaining customers solve riddles.

4. The spritz menu

This just recently emerged as a trend and I’m already tired of it. Who did Big Prosecco blow to make the spritz menu a thing? Nobody needs a half-dozen spritz recipes to pick from. One or two is good. Each with three or four ingredients, tops.

The spritz menu is a whole page of cocktails for people with more money than taste. Most of these people should be drinking mineral water. Or Prosecco with a dash of bitters. Or just run their Pinot Grigio through a SodaStream machine and be done with it.

Again, nothing against the drink itself. I quite like a spritz, Aperol or otherwise. It’s a standby and great for warm weather. (And according to friends and acquaintances, ordering one is about the only way you can get a glass of ice in Italy.)

Spritzes are just not very exciting drinks. And they’re a waste of a bartender’s skills, since you can make one at home for about $2 in about two seconds.

5. The 90s-martini revival

Cocktail pundits have been predicting the return of martinis for some time now. Except they’re usually not talking about classic gin martinis, which never actually went away. Instead, they mean variations on the brightly colored, liqueur-heavy booze bombs that once populated menus at TGI Fridays and countless local happy hours.

The 90s brought us only one martini-style drink for the ages: The Cosmopolitan. When made with quality ingredients (Cointreau and real cranberry juice) it’s high-proof yet balanced, pretty in pink but not fussy. The espresso martini gets a partial pass, too. It’s delicious–but it wrecks your palate and your cocktail shaker and it’s not a smart idea to drink one after dinner if you plan to sleep that night.

That’s it for flavored martinis. I never care to drink another appletini, blue martini, or saketini. Those drinks all suck. They have too much alcohol, they get warm too quickly, and the glassware is precarious to serve or drink from. They can stay in the 90s with the crop tops and cargo pants.

So: Smoked bourbon, technicolor martinis, “elixirs,” hidden booze, and over-thunk spritzes. Those are just a few of the things we’re not drinking in 2025.

Cocktail bars, do better. On second thought–just bring me the house red.