Costco sells a wine advent calendar, which we reviewed back in December. The wines are generally pretty good. But the video marketing materials that accompanied them are nothing short of a surrealist masterpiece. Today we’re looking at samples from the vast AI art dump that accompanied the 2024 calendar release.
The wines are by Flying Blue, a negociant who makes wine for a bunch of different small brands. Flying Blue specializes in label design, back-of-the-bottle text, and its…ancillary art forms. Last year, they outdid themselves by creating a 90-second animated video for each of the 25 wines in the Costco Wine Advent-ure box.
These robo-narrated marketing reels are trippy as hell. You can access them by scanning the QR codes on the bottle or directly on the Wine Advent-ure Calendar’s website. For the most brain-melting effect I recommend watching them all one sitting. (I did, and I’m mostly fine!) I took some screenshots to give you an idea of the content of these videos.
Sun-dappled villas melt into misshapen wineglasses, giant owls and mustachioed men hover over rolling hills of improbably large wine grapes. The aim is to teach you some facts about each wine that you’re drinking, but…well, you’re about to see. Let us descend into the Valley of Uncanny and the strange vineyards that exist there.
The first wine is Nightfall Königliche. If you’re unfamiliar with Königliche, it’s a rare style of Hungarian wine. It’s made from the fermented juice of a fruit that tastes like a cross between a shallot and a lemon–known in English as a “shalemon”–shown in the photo below.
Shalemons can occasionally be purchased fresh from gourmet grocery stores, but are more often found in jams and relishes and–oh man, if you’re believing this so far, the rest of this article is going to be a lot of fun. Königliche is a grape. It’s known for making wines with a golden color and aromas of honey and apricot.
In Flying Blue’s promo video, a chilled glass of Königliche is held by a dapper Hungarian gentleman. Strangely, he has a pocket square that looks like a rope made out of Nilla wafers. Other than that one odd sartorial choice there’s nothing really wrong with this picture–OH GOD NO LOOK AT HIS HAND.
For our next bottle, we have the Right Hook Pinot Noir. This wine is made by lumberjacks, from giant grapes. Giant trees full of white grapes. Because that is how you make Pinot Noir, duh. At least Paul Bunyan knows enough to keep his hands in his pockets.
Next, how about a wine that’s pastoral and romantic? How about a tall, cool drink of Once Upon A Time Rosé?
Ah, Provence. Where the strawberry vines ripen from purple to red, and the strawberries are harvested in the springtime to make the rosé. (Don’t laugh, you probably also know some humans who think rosé is made this way.)
The Grenache-based Once Upon A Time Rosé is light and refreshing. Just the thing to enjoy on a summer night with your favorite three-legged friends. Don’t drink too much of it, though, or your hand might fuse to the bottle.
Many wineglasses in this realm are missing their stems, bases, or rims. It seems like an egregious party foul to do that to a glass, but miraculously the wine always stays put.
Our journey around the world of wine continues. We fly over both Africas to reach Japan, the traditional home of sake.
In this video, we’re treated to images of dragons on kimonos and kimonos on dragons, and then we’re introduced to Ryokō Sake. The robo-narrator advises, “This versatile beverage pairs marvelously well with a variety of foods.”
Perfect, because that’s what we’re having for for dinner! A variety of foods! Look at the variousness of these foods!
See, this is why it will be so freaky and dangerous when AI takes over. As these videos demonstrate, AI clearly doesn’t understand the concept of eating and drinking at all. Eventually, it will decide to replace us with a form of intelligence that doesn’t require so much messy sustenance.
Our next wine is My 2 Cents, a Barossa Valley Shiraz fit for the Queen of Australia. Which I think is actually King Charles now? Not sure.
Anyway, let’s pour the Shiraz. Glassware suggestion? Candlestick. Food pairing? Word salad. The narrator says, “Venture into the depth of a wineglass, and let My 2 Cents Shiraz blossom into your new velvet symphony.”
Speaking of velvet, who’s ready for some Garnacha? Spanish guitars thrum as you enter into the seductive, Barbie-hued realm of Tranquille Garnacha. This is a wine for people who are sexier than you’ll ever be, with more fingers than you’ll ever have.
This Spanish wine “showcases a deep ruby hue, exuding aromas of ripe red berries, subtle spice, and a hint of earthiness.” Great, I’ll take three! Its tan-enhancing and gravity-defying properties are not mentioned on the label–but hey, some winemakers prefer understatement.
It wouldn’t be a trip around the world without a stopover in Portugal for a glass of Céu do Norte Vinho Verde.
I do not know what is happening in this picture. Is this how Vinho Verde is made? They didn’t cover this in WSET Level 2.
We travel once again to Southern France. It’s the Languedoc, where the Grenache trees grow tall and the fields are full of comely redheads trying unsuccessfully to flip us the bird.
The Languedoc is also known for making exceptional wines for wealthy cats, a niche but growing market.
As night falls, we’re whisked away to Argentina for a rendezvous with Mendoza Nights Malbec. It’s your night–celebrate it any way you desire. Hands (?) in the air like you just don’t care. And one glass of white Malbec with an extra straw please.
This collection has a wine for every person and every occasion. There’s a wine to bring to your next topless cubist beach party:
There’s wine for your gay, rosé-drinking knight friends:
There’s wine for fingerless vixens:
And wine for psychopaths:
The videos even offer some helpful food pairing tips. Red wine, for instance, is “ideal with your favorite pasta or a hearty steak.”
Hey, why not both? I have seen this very dish on the menu at Olive Garden and it looks delicious. It’s also recommended to eat it with a big bowl of grapes. (Just about every wine and food in these videos is served with a big bowl of grapes. You know, like humans do.)
As you chow down on your last plate of grapes, it’s time for one final pour. My recommended pairing would be Fare Fiasco Chianti, a wine that’s so good you literally can’t put it down.
Should you decide to go for the full immersive experience, dozens more of these half-baked, weird-ass short videos are available on YouTube. The Costco Wine Advent-ure Calendar is $99.99. The AI-fueled nightmares are free.
Fair Use disclaimer: This post uses still images from a copyrighted work for the purpose of review and satire. Under section 107 of the copyright Act 1976, allowance is made for Fair Use for purpose such as criticism, comment, news reporting, teaching, scholarship and research.
Review disclosure: I was not compensated or provided any free products for this review. Opinions expressed on The Wine Fairy blog are entirely my own.
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