I know and love some gadget-heads in the world of wine, but let’s get real for a second: Wine is not a hobby that requires a whole bunch of specialized gear.
A corkscrew, a set of decent glassware and maybe a journal to write notes in. That’s really all you need to get started. Add an ice bucket (if you prefer white wine or bubbly and don’t have a wine fridge) and a vacuum preservation device if you live alone.
Are you struggling to shop for the wine enthusiast in your life? You’ll never guess what it is, but there’s a perfect gift idea that every wine lover will appreciate! (Hint: It’s wine.)
This is not an affiliate post and I don’t earn anything if you click through to Amazon or purchase wine gadgets. However, if you do buy something from this list, I hope it brings you as much joy as I have derived from making fun of it.
Ready? Let’s crap all over some dumb wine gifts and gadgets, starting with:
1. Elixir Square Glassware
Those wine glasses in your cupboard are sooo passé. Really. It’s 2025. What are you doing still drinking wine out of a round glass?
Oh–that’s because a regular-ass wine glass is a perfectly functional, classically beautiful vessel that hasn’t been improved upon in a while. Round glasses with a tapered rim are great for swirling wine and concentrating its aromas…better than a square-sided glass, I would venture to guess.
See, this is why the planet is on fire. Someone perfects a consumer object, you buy that object thinking you will be able to use it forever–but no. A couple of years later there’s someone encouraging you to throw yours out and buy a new one in a different color, brand, or shape.
2. Stemless wineglasses with bad words (various)
Once upon a time, it was probably about 20 years ago now, somebody figured out you could print cuss words on ordinary items and Millennials would be powerless against the urge to buy them. (The word “fuck” is our favorite–once forbidden, now only borderline impolite.) You’ll find similar foul-mouthed merchandise at every craft fair and tourist shop–screen-printed, embroidered, and laser-etched into countless household items.
Amazon ostensibly doesn’t allow the f-word on items they sell–even so, there’s plenty of these items on the platform that the bots haven’t caught yet. But successfully dodging the censors doesn’t make these products cooler or less basic.
Swear-y wine tumblers are the Precious Moments figurines of our generation, endlessly re-gifted and destined to wind up on thrift store shelves in the thousands. One of these wineglasses would be the perfect gift for a “badass” Millennial mom with purple hair and a “Baby Up In This Bitch” sticker on her RAV-4.
3. El Corko
A wine stopper shaped like a sombrero is a dumb non-sequitur of a joke. If it was a tequila bottle stopper, it’d be kind of racist I guess? But as a wine stopper it merely makes no sense.
Honestly, what is the point of this thing? You bring it to a party, everyone chuckles at it once (maybe). Then you throw it in a drawer where it stays until the next time you move.
The same company also makes a cowboy hat stopper (for Texas wines?) and a beanie stopper (to put in your CBD-infused wine, I guess).
4. “Bring Wine” lounge socks
I can’t go to a gift exchange or open my Facebook without seeing these same damn socks.
I might feel differently about them if they actually will compel people to bring you wine. Do they ever work? I’m dying to know!
One more observation as I scroll past a million iterations of this stupid gag: About half of the sock sets include the word “please,” before “bring me some wine” and the other half don’t. Clearly, it’s up to you, the sock wearer, how terse or polite you want to be with your supine wine demands.
5. Yeti Rambler
It’s $25 for an ugly travel cup with no lid. Am I missing something? I have a couple of Yeti items that I’ve received as gifts and they’re the most overrated, leaky, status-driven cult drinkware of them all.
They’re so overpriced that people steal Yeti items from truck beds, tailgates, and campsites–like, they actually steal people’s used tumblers and coolers. (Don’t believe me? Do a search for “stolen Yeti” on your local NextDoor.) Yeti even sells an official branded cooler lock for $35. Gross.
Here’s a life pro tip: Tons of real estate agencies, design firms, and financial advisors order generic versions of these insulated wine tumblers for giveaways. The freebie cups are superior to the Yeti Rambler because they usually come with lids, and you can throw them in a dishwasher and any pesky logos usually come off in two or three washes. Just sneak into a trade show (or a street fair in an affluent suburb) and you will have a lifetime supply of these things.
6. Funny Wine Stoppers (Set of 8)
How many different wines are open in your fridge at once that you need eight wine stoppers? That’s just inefficient. You need to get better at choosing wine, or make some drinking buddies to help you finish those bottles.
7. Wish Clips Birthday Candle Holders
Nothing improves the taste of wine like a few drips of paraffin wax. These candle clips are a fab accessory for your next cake-less birthday party. Bonus: You can heat your wine and burn your hand at the same time!
8. Vinrella Wine-Shaped Umbrella
An umbrella handle really looks nothing like a wine bottle, and a wine bottle would make a terrible umbrella. Why does the wine umbrella even exist? This is the kind of brainless mash-up product that I love to see get annihilated on Shark Tank, but sadly Vinrella decided to go straight to market.
9. Wine-Scented Soap
Because who doesn’t want to smell like a wino? Kidding! This is one of those products that’s purpose-made to be an office-party gift for a wine drinker that you don’t know that well, or an impulse item at a winery’s checkout counter. The same company (Swag Brewery) also makes beer and whiskey-scented soap.
This artisan bar soap is “made with real Wine”. (Sort of…wine is the last ingredient on the label.) The vegan-friendly formula is laced with extracts of cranberry, grape, and rosemary–which sounds like it smells rather lovely.
Why is it dumb, then? Because it’s trying so hard to be naughty and indulgent, and just ends up seeming sort of repressed. It’s in the same category as “chocolate” bath bombs and candles that smell like baked goods. Just eat some chocolate. Just drink some wine.
Well, there you have it–the dumbest wine products we’re aware of at this moment. However, there’s always new dumb wine shit coming out, and Amazon, Facebook, and Google know how to reach us at nearly any hour of the day to tell us about it. See us around the holidays for the next installment of Dumbest Wine Gifts!
Review disclosure: I was not compensated or provided any free products for this review. Opinions expressed on The Wine Fairy blog are entirely my own.
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